Not all control situations are negative. For example;
when we decide to take control of our lives, or when we decide to take
control of a chaotic situation where no one else is being 'chair person'.
- Telling someone what you do and don't find
- Standing your ground
- Standing up for your beliefs or values
However others can be seen from a manipulative, non accepting point of
- When you persistently argue your case to try to
convince others to your way of thinking
- Thinking and acting on behalf of someone else without
- Deciding what is right and wrong for someone who is
capable of deciding for themselves.
- Blackmail or Manipulation
When we try to control someone else's actions, what you
are saying is that you don't believe they can do things for themselves,
that they can not think for themselves, that they are incapable.
What you are doing is taking away their free will,
trying to turn them into you, by having them do what YOU would do.
A power struggle collapses when you withdraw your energy from it.
Power struggles become uninteresting to you when you
change your intention from winning to learning about yourself.
If you feel controlled.
At times we all feel tied to situations, people, places.
We feel obliged to do things in a certain way.
you have opinions, beliefs, values and dreams. Of which no
one else has exactly the same as you. So what is right for ONE individual is
not automatically RIGHT for you.
No one has exactly the same opinions, beliefs or values as
you, as no one else has been exactly where you have been every step of your
life. And even if they have been, their reactions and thoughts are separate
Therefore, if you feel you are being controlled. YOU
have the choice to either allow it, or stand up for your self and your
If you feel you are controlling.
Occasionally, we think we know best. Offer it as advice, not demands.
Explanation of how you are feeling and what you are thinking is ONLY
control if you demand things to occur in a certain way.
Give your advice once. Never ever take it personally if
your advice isn't instantly acted upon. Remember, when people do not take
your advice, it is because they are not ready.
You could try to address WHY you feel the need to
control the situation.
- Trying to protect others from making mistakes? Well,
quite often, as adults we need to make our own mistakes.
- Fear based manipulation, trying to avoid something
YOU don't want for yourself.
Being a 'Control freak' is an obsessive need to have
everything done your way. The degrees of this kind of behaviour can vary,
but in it's most aggressive form, may require professional assistance.
A control freak is someone who needs to call the shots,
wants to be the driving force behind every project. They are insistent
over every detail. Some do this, simply to feel better about themselves,
the rest feel better when everyone else feels worse...It's as though they
are fighting to be top of the ladder.
On a psychological level, these kinds of people are
actually very afraid of being vulnerable, they are often insecure on an
inner level, and they protect themselves by keeping every aspect of their
life within their control. They are afraid of losing this control.
This is what drives them to be even more controlling. To the point where
they often criticise the people around them, including people they love.
A control freak can not easily recognise their fears.
Pointing out to them that they are a control freak or that they have fears
will undoubtedly hit a hardened defence, as they are trying to be perfect.
Imperfection is something they simply do not want to see in themselves.
By wanting to be in control, they are actually
projecting 'I can't trust you' and ' You are incapable', not because YOU
are these things; but because THEY fear being incapable and because they
do not trust themselves.
When a control freak IS in control, they feel calm and
in balance. When they start losing that control, they experience anxiety,
fear and feel victimised.
As more of that control is taken away, they become angry, agitated and
often threatening. This then leads to feelings of depression.
Rather than stopping once they have gained control, they
need to seek more control. It's as though the 'threat' never goes away.
Even though the threat may not even be 'real' to anyone else, the fear of
losing control of a situation they 'have under control' makes them feel
insecure. So then they strive to maintain it.
Then if down in the depths of depression, they will try to manipulate and
find a way back on the bottom rung of a ladder to climb back up.
Dealing with a control freak
Keep calm. Don't take anything they say personally.
Speak slowly and clearly, don't raise your voice or
activate your temper.
Try to remain centred whilst you speak to them. The more
agitated THEY get, the more calm you must try to be.
Be patient. Listen to what they have to say. Let them
have their say FIRST, don't but in. But then ensure you have asked if they
have finished and ask them not to interrupt you whilst you talk.
Don't take things personally, it's not you who is
Be aware. Understand that they have learnt to intimidate
and manipulate, it is a finely tuned art.
If you are entangled in a destructive attachment, the best response may be
to walk away. As whatever you do will not have a lasting effect on their
behaviour. People have to want to change for themselves, not because
people tell them so! (But you can't tell a control freak that!)
A control freak will get even more angry if you walk away and will not
want to end the argument/debate/discussion until a resolution THEY are
happy with has been found. So be prepared.
Those who demand, often give the least.
In any conversation, the push and pull of energy flows
more from one person than other. During the course of a conversation; this
push and pull can change direction.
The balance of listening, or speaking, the feeling of not being heard, the
need to stress something, to be clear about something all effect the flow
and control of a
If something doesn't matter, you take a 'passive' stance, if something
does matter, you take an 'aggressive' stance. People who take on
aggressive stances constantly have a real need to feel in control. People
who take on passive stances constantly have little need to 'be' in
Ideally though, a balance should be met.
The 4 main 'control dramas' , as explained in the Celestine Prophecy are
as follows, our primary personality will be mostly in one of these styles,
bordering occasionally on a second.
The first two are 'aggressive' stances, the second two are 'passive'
Intimidator - threatening, strict, enjoys giving orders,
inflexible, angry, self-centred, intimidating, likes things to be done
Interrogator - Always asking questions; critical,
undermining, needling, infallible logic, sarcastic, feels like they
monitoring you. can be sceptical, sarcastic, self-righteous, perfectionist
Poor me - Always seeing the negative, looking for
problems rather than solutions, always talking about being busy or tired,
make you feel almost guilty for not solving their problems. Pull attention
by sighing, trembling, crying, Victim stance.
Aloof - tended to be distant, busy, away from home, not
too interested in your life, unresponsive, secretive, quiet,
How do you
counteract any of these in yourself, and or when facing them in
The key, I believe is to be acting in
Balance, is asking the right questions with no need to influence the
answers, and indeed no need to
a specific answer. Balance is being flexible and being open to new ideas,
not being afraid of change. Balance is honesty, trust and truth. Balance
responsibility for yourself, and allowing others to accept their
responsibility, and not about YOU taking on every one
responsibilities to the