Understanding > Deciding
"If you ever feel stuck, as if
your life isn't moving along smoothly, then you need to make some clear
decisions about what you want."
Sometimes we just don't know what to
do for the best; other times we simply allow ourselves to be carried
along, without making any real choices as to the direction we are heading.
If you are having problems
making a decision, then you create
stress, frustration and confusion.
Once you have made the right decision. Things become SO much
easier. Thus releasing any anxiety, reducing stress and minimising worry. Once the right
decision has been made, frustration and confusion clear.
Why we have problems making a
We put it off, pretend we don't have to
make a decision, pretend it doesn't matter. Often this leads us to start
feeling anxious, worried and sometimes even fearful. Because deep down we
know it does matter and that there is a problem in procrastination.
The problems start because we worry about
the impacts of our decision, either way. We worry about what people will
think of us - if they will judge us or be angry with us. Sometimes we
doubt ourselves, our abilities and even our worthiness.
If other people know you must make a
decision over something, it's common to feel pressured or nagged into
making the decision, this in turn has the tendency to add stress to our
daily lives. Sometimes even guilt.
Making a clear decision
Making a clear decision isn't always
easy, especially when either option has implications or factors which need full
However, things can fall into
place so much more easily, when you can focus your attention on the decided
outcome, rather than having a head full of options and possibilities.
Before MAKING the decision, you may
have two or more options.. without knowing which to truly focus on, your
thoughts are scattered.
So our goal is to make a single
decision, and then focus on that.
I need to make a decision, but I can't its just so hard!
Stop Right There!
Remove the pressure. Remove the urgency.
You need to take yourself off to a quiet place for the
sole purpose of making said decision.
Don't allow anyone to pressure you.
Even if you have a deadline to meet. RELAX.
Unplug the phone. Have
a nap, take hot bath, pour yourself a drink, have something to eat, then keep the phone unplugged and sit in a quiet room.
If you're a 'talker' and would rather talk it through with someone. Then do
so. But remember to remove all other distractions and focus on the goal of
making the decision. Be sure that the person you are going to be talking
things through with KNOWS that you need their support, advice and clarity
and that this 'time' is solely for decision making.
Ok, so we are approaching the decision making process with a clear mind.
We are focused and relaxed. Take a few deep breaths, sit, lay or lounge
If it helps, say things out aloud.
Personally, I find writing things
down helps no end.
First, clarify what the decision is.
And I mean exactly what it is.
Because quite often we bring in so many secondary factors, which extend
away from our main decision.
- Do you have to choose between two
or more things?
This could be work related, family related, emotional, physical or
mental. Write down ALL the things you must choose between. Avoid
secondary factors such as money/time/implications for now. Just focus on
the exact options you have.
- Do you have to
decide to stand up for yourself, for someone else.
If the decision is of a personal nature, you may have to look at your
own personal values and those of other people. Remember you must always
put your needs first. If you don't you are likely to struggle with the
choices you make.
- Do you have to consider
your options.. if so, what are they?
Sometimes we are not always fully aware of all the options we have. So
consider even briefly the more obscure options that you could wangle out
of the scenario you are in.
Now listen to yourself.
Deep down you'll feel a pull to do
one or more things.
You have to distinguish between what
YOU want to do, what you would LIKE or LOVE to do, regardless of any
limitations, obligations, consequences etc.
It'll be these outside influences which pull you to do something
you don't want to truly do. But we must first void all limitations and
think of what we TRULY want. What makes US happy, what we think would make
us happy if we had everything we needed to have a smooth transition.
- Do you want to do what is right for you.
- Do you want
to please others?
Write, or speak about what you want out of the situation,
what you feel you want. Write about what is stopping you from making the
decision, and why you are finding it so hard.
This whole process is in quiet time. it's just you sat on
your own, clearing out the random thoughts in your head and setting them
down on paper. Once on paper they no longer need to clutter your head. Once
on paper, you'll find the decision starting to emerge.
If decisions have implications;
consider each one fully.
That which is right for you, will
make you feel good, will make you feel happy, or will simply 'feel' right.
What feels right, What feels wrong.
If you make a decision and then feel
wrong about it, clarify what would make you feel 'right'... it may not
always mean you have made the wrong decision, but simply that certain
aspects need to be changed.
The best decisions will make you
When YOU are happy, the people around you will be too.
If parts of the decision feel like they are
tearing you up inside, that you want one outcome more than another; but
that you aren't really sure HOW things will work out, you need to take a
look at your fears and have them clarified first.
Give yourself time.
Seek advice from friends and
Advice plants seeds. So regardless
the advice is 'good advice' or 'bad advice' all those little seeds have
been planted in your mind.
Remember you are under no obligation to
take any advice given, but it will help you to discuss the situation with
any other people whom may be affected by your choices. It helps to be
Some of the 'seeds' of advice will grow, but we don't actually
water them. They are just 'there'
Give yourself time to absorb different kinds of advice, and all the while
all these seeds of advice are growing in our minds... some prosper, others
Why? because our soul feeds the ones our soul resonates with. Or in
simpler terms, the advice that resonates most with your innermost feelings
will be the advice that you eventually act on.
Eventually only one of those 'seeds'
will be flourishing, and that is the advice which you end up taking.
So when advice is
(or known), it rests like a seed in your mind.. and these seeds grow,
until one day; you wake up and just 'know' what to do.
Occasionally, we get new information which just blitzes all the weak
and there is a compelling need to act.
Other times, we feel swamped and pressured to make a decision yet
there are to many seedlings...but you must give yourself time. Real time
put aside for you and your thoughts. Remove all pressure.
receive advice, just know that in time, you will just 'know' what
to do. Keep your mind in a state of calm, trust yourself and act with
Ok, so earlier we felt a pull to a
certain 'decision' but because of outside influences, limitations,
possible implications and consequences, we feel we can't really take that
Your next job is to look at removing
To realise that implications and consequences are part of every day life.
We have to move house, take a pay cut or earn more money, we have to say
goodbye to our friends, we have to upset someone else. etc etc.
These are NOT valid reasons for
preventing yourself from doing what you want. There are always ways around
Limitations are actually excuses.
Excuses because we are actually afraid of being happy, being fulfilled...
even of being free.
Implications and consequences are
excuses too. If it can be conceived it can be achieved.
If you want to be happy with your
decision, you have to remove the limitations, accept implications and
consequences and rise above it all.
Decisions involving others.
When a situation is effecting us in a negative way, making us
angry, confused or sad. We need to make a decision to make some changes.
Either within us, or around us. There comes a point where you have to stop
considering others and think about your needs first. What will make YOU
Understanding other people, can be hard if they don't understand
themselves. You have to work with that which you DO know about them, and
stick with the facts of what you have and what you are prepared to accept.
It is important that you work with only the impact of your decision ON
YOU. Being responsible for our own feelings is hard enough without taking
on the responsibility of others whom are well able to be responsible for
If you want to do something, you must do it. But that doesn't mean you
have to compromise everything to do so.
If there is red tape, you must find a way to cut it. If there are
complications, you must find a way to smooth them out.
What's even harder is putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Trying to
help smooth out complications all around. But it's not your issue, and not
your responsibility. All you can do is try to shine light in the right
places to help others work through their own emotional, mental and
"The hard-line position being taken by another person will go a long way
to reveal the extent of your own need to clarify your values" Eric
Indeed. When faced with opposition, you tend to step back and re-evaluate.
Time required to clarify exactly where one is at.... and what one believes
in, and subsequently proceeding with what you find.
Being the bearer of bad news...
There are times when a decision
needs to be passed on to someone else, and we worry about upsetting them.
If you are totally clear within yourself that your decision is the right
one, then you need to be prepared to be totally honest.
You must also be prepared that the
recipient may not at first be accepting, but remember that given time, all
will work out best for everyone concerned.
Though it's probably not a good idea
to tell your recipient that, we have as people, every right to feel what
we choose to feel, without anyone else telling us how we should and
We have free will, we have choice,
provide the information and allow others to feel what they want to feel.
Don't insist they must feel a certain way, allow them to feel how they
feel most comfortable.
Making the wrong choice.
When you have made the wrong choice, you
can feel sad, pressured, guilty, unsettled and wishful. These types of
emotions can easily lead to depression. So it is important that you seek
amendments as soon as possible.
If you feel you have made the wrong
choice. Take steps to put things right, to head down the right road.
We don't have to put up with things,
we don't have to hide behind false pride.
It's ok to admit you were wrong.
If we were right ALL of the time we wouldn't learn.
If the wrong choice has led you down a path of no
return, look forward into your life and see that there IS the possibility
of your path returning, a little further down the road. Take this time to
seek out ways to make your life, and yourself, more comfortable and
The following types of therapy may help you with your
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Do as you feel is right,
and if it feels wrong don't do it!.
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